An Open Letter to Friends of the United States of America, from the United States of America

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Dear Fellow Democracies,

You know how sometimes a close friend has a Significant Other you can’t stand? That Significant Other is Donald Trump. That close friend is us, the United States.

I get that you won't wanna hang out for a while, that our SO makes you uncomfortable, that the little things we used to share -- casual drinks, game nights, diplomacy -- are going to have to be put on hold for a while. Unfortunately, we have to let this relationship run its course. I know, I know, it sounds absurd, and we know it won't end well. But, like all before us, we must learn from our own mistakes on our own time. Please, for the next four years (hopefully sooner) ignore the things our SO says and does. I realize this may be difficult considering a lot of what he says and does will have a direct effect on you, and therefore our friendship, but our hands are tied. We’re really really sorry.

I can feel you rolling your eyes. We deserve it. In hindsight, even attempting a relationship with Donald Trump was ill-advised. We should have seen the red flags. I don't know how we didn't.

We can't expect you to understand, but please believe we feel really disillusioned and embarrassed by all this. We're just in a weird spot right now and we need some time to get our shit together, ya know? As for you and us: we’ve been good friends for a long time. I hope you'll still be there when we've come to our senses.

Love always,


The United States of America

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