Girls I Kinda Know

These are some of the female archetypes men come to know.

The Girl From [Somewhere]
She passes in the hall. She drives the blue VW and you pass her at about 8:15 every morning. Maybe she’s at a bus stop. Maybe she’s just an acquaintance on Facebook who you think about emailing when you’re drunk. You might not even know her name. Regardless, your interaction with her is resigned to practically meaningless gestures, and distant pleasantries.

The Girl with a Boyfriend
She’s probably a friend, and her boyfriend is probably a fucking cocksucker. She says he’s not, but he is, because he’s not you, and because, fuck that guy.

All men have a “her.” She’s the one that fucked you up. Remember that girl last week? Yeah. You should have talked to that one. But, you didn’t, because of her. Because she haunts you and because you’re too jaded to think any woman will treat you any different.

Jesus Fucking Christ ::slow, disbelieving head shake::
There are only a few of these. No man can deny her appeal – be it their body, mind, or both. But, definitely her body. Her smile beams, her eyes flutter, she walks with confidence, and when she opens her mouth smart things come out. She is not pretentious, or self-conscious, and she is polite even when she doesn’t have to be. She likes to drink, and her laugh could level a city. She is so perfect you think you have invented her.

The One At The Bar That Was, Like, Really Cute Whose Number You Totally Could Have Gotten
Don’t hit on the waitress.

Wahh, nobody loves me
It’s true, but only because she never shuts up about it. You don’t want to tell her that, though.

The Cute One
You probably have nothing in common with her, but the way she chews gum is really appealing. She has a nice butt, and she wiggles sometimes for no reason. She is really into, like, all kinds of music.

I can’t tell if she’s a jerk…
It’s true, you can’t. But, she probably is. She has a boyfriend, but, he’s not a douchebag. In fact, he seems too cool to talk. So does she. She crosses her arms whenever she is standing near you. Your attempts to say hello are deflected with total coldness. You have heard her scoff at things you know to be funny. You would have sex with her in a heartbeat, if only to fuck that nasty look off her face.

Old Friend
You’ve always loved this girl. She knows it. But, she’s not an asshole about it. You still remember the way her neck tastes from the few times you made out.

This one bangs you periodically and then talks about some guy she can't stop thinking about. You don’t mind it – you weren’t using your soul, anyway.

I wonder what she’s up to…
This one always exists in a friendly limbo. You think if she called you out of nowhere and asked you to get married you would be on the next flight back to [Jersey]. You have a past, most of which was really sweet. It’s clear you care about each other. But, you’re both too dumb to act on it.


  1. Wow, lots of animosity from the peanut gallery. Are you angry from your placing in the list?

  2. I'm always angry when you're not around, Ben.