My head has become a nuthouse for a glaring unbalance of urges and emotions, all tugging at each other with no real agenda. It’s like I coughed, or sneezed, and in the explosion lost a grip on myself, and now all the flaws that I had come to terms with, or had learned to control, or had thought dissolved, fly freely through my head like lightning bugs, turning on and off at their leisure.
The feeling, as I will call it, is strongest at night. Something about the dark brings more weight – often accompanied by a physical sickness, the thought that I might vomit, and at the same time, a hunger. Sleep doesn’t always come easy. I often wake up disoriented, dizzy, and unsure if I’m actually awake. This list could go on, and it will hardly be an extension of what you already know and have experienced on your own. If you know it, you know it, and when you’re in it you know everything seems impossible, false, and foreign. You are not alone in this. Neither am I. And the feeling has now begun a slow but sure exit.
I will stop now and change gears.
It is important to note that my life has never been better. I am consistently moving up and forward. This is what makes the feeling so different this time around: perspective. In the past when this dragon has reared its head I would do something stupid, brash, and self-destructive. I don’t feel that need now. I don’t want to nap until it passes. I don’t want to lash out. I don’t want to start over, and I don’t want to scream. Rather, I want to simply get past it by hacking through the thicket on my way to the Ultimate Boon. Towards those dreams which are more tangible now than ever. So much so that it seems cheap to call them dreams, because I have, in fact, touched the ether, and tasted – if only sporadically – the nectar of that unpredictable mistress we know as happiness. But, she is nimble and therefore hard to contain. Beautiful. Unrelenting in her sprint for the horizon.
And I must believe that I am faster.